You Probably Suck At Listening, But Here’s How To Do It Better

Before we get into stories and metaphors, let’s start with this overarching statement: you probably don’t know how to communicate as well as you think you do. That’s okay! There are a ton of misconceptions about effective listening- let me outline the pertinent ones.

Effective listening is not:

• Listening to respond.
• Listening only for the facts, opinions, or points that interest you.
• Disregarding the emotions behind the content.
• Focusing solely on either the speaker or the content.
• Allowing or creating external distractions.
• Interrupting when you think it’s “important.”
• Focusing on either just the big picture- or just the details.
• Completing sentences or thoughts.
• Ignoring or disregarding points you do not understand.
• Daydreaming, tuning out, or “selectively hearing.”

If you read this list and suddenly feel incredibly guilty, know that you’re not alone. Many of us believe we employ effective listening techniques, and we even pat ourselves on the back for being able to withstand challenging interpersonal dynamics with others.

After all, have you ever heard someone tell you he or she is a bad listener? Probably not.

But if that’s the case, and if we’re all just a utopian society of compassionate, effective, and dynamic listeners, why do so many people feel deeply alone? Why do we experience such fear and shame when we share unpleasant emotions? Finally, why is there such a universal sense of detachment and disconnection- often with the very people we consider our closest loved ones?

How to Communicate 101: Stop Trying to Fix The Problem

Another umbrella assumption here: most people don’t share problems to get answers. We usually don’t want advice or solutions, and we typically don’t care about what so-and-so did to improve the issue.

How do I know this? Because I’m a licensed therapist (which is basically synonymous with being a professional listener), and I’ve come to realize that most of my clients don’t even want answers. Instead, they want to experience support and validation. They want to know I can hold their distress, integrate their pain, and provide a safe and healing space for potential change.

In other words? They want another person who can listen without judgment, expectations, or constraints.

Christina + Sam

Take the scene of this imaginary couple for a moment. Christina comes home from work feeling flustered and exhausted. She vents to her husband, Sam, about how belittled she feels by her boss, how overwhelmed she feels by all her clients, and how she’s about one, impulsive email away from quitting her job altogether.

Sam, being the good husband, listens to every word. He sees the frustration and sadness his wife exudes. They’ve had this conversation before, and he hates seeing her this way- after all, she’s so good at what she does!

After Christina concludes her speech, Sam jumps in with his well-intentioned thoughts. He knows how to communicate with effective listening! He first provides Christina with a sample dialogue she can use to assert how she feels to her boss. You just need to tell her that you can’t take any more work. Then, he offers a few solutions for managing her clients and improving her scheduling efforts. You should download this content calendar app I’m using. It’ll help you stay on track. Finally, he tells her, babe, you’ve got this! Everyone has bad days at work- don’t let it bring you down!

To conclude, he softens his voice, grabs his wife’s hand, and states, You know I’m always here for you. You can come to me with anything.

It seems like Sam did a pretty good job. He knew how to communicate, right? He offered intelligent feedback, thoughtful suggestions, and demonstrated his willingness to be available to her.

But, let’s pick this apart. Let’s experience Christina’s flustered, overwhelmed, and frazzled reality for one moment. What do you think she needed from her husband? Was it the mini-lecture on how to communicate with her boss? Was it the advice on time or resource management?

If you were feeling this vulnerable, how would you experience Sam? Would it come across as helpful? Dismissive? What about annoying?

How to Communicate 102: Listen to Heal (Not Fix)

Sam clearly cared about his wife and her emotional distress. He didn’t like seeing her in such pain, but by listening “to fix,” he nearly disregards the feelings. He exhibited a message that essentially demonstrated, ‘don’t feel, don’t think, you just need to act.

This strategy has its place, of course. Sometimes, we all need that slight push out of the comfort zone that is sitting with feelings. However, if we want to foster healthy communication and create meaningful relationships with the people we love, we must shift away from this “fixing” mentality.

People aren’t robots, small appliances, or cars. Let’s stop fixing them as if they are.

What Is Empathy?

In its purest form, empathy refers to stepping into someone else’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It’s not sympathy (which is usually feeling a sense of pity or compassion for someone else’s hardships). Instead, it’s about being able to imagine yourself feeling someone else’s unique experience.

When you can empathize, you move away from the mere content of the situation (i.e., Christina’s boss or her time management), and you shift into the feelings (fear, hopelessness, powerlessness, sadness, anger). Connection rarely happens by simply identifying another person’s content; it happens by identifying another person’s emotional experience.

What is Validation?

Validation refers to the action of acknowledging your partner’s experience. It moves beyond just putting yourself in his or her shoes and transcends into talking about it.

To validate appropriately, you must first know how to empathize. Again, empathy is about taking on the perspective and experience of someone else. If you can’t do that, you’re not going to be engaging in effective listening.

Fortunately, validation statements don’t need to be complicated. They just need to be genuine. Some examples include:

• Wow, I imagine that must be so hard for you.
• I really appreciate you telling me that. It means a lot.
• I know you feel ______, and I would totally feel the same way.
• I’m not surprised that you did _______. Anyone would do that in that kind of situation.

For more on the brilliant and underrated concept of validation, check out our video below.

Why Empathy and Validation Are Superior to Fixing- Every Single Time

Let this notion sink in. 94% of the time, when people talk, they want to be heard. They don’t want to be fixed.

Disclosure: I made up this statistic. However, I’ve conducted thousands of therapy sessions. And between the two of us, we’ve conducted over 10,000 (enough for Malcolm Gladwell to deem us as experts). Most people don’t want cookie-cutter advice or feedback they could find on Google’s first page.

They want you. They want you to listen.

When you empathize and validate with someone, you create heartfelt connections and evoke a sense of closeness. Through these vulnerable interactions, we solidify intimacy and joy in our relationships.

When someone engages in effective listening with us, we can feel understood- and feeling understood is always better than just feeling heard.