SUPPORTING A PARTNER WHO SELF-HARMS: THE COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE

Supporting a partner who self-harms may feel like an uphill battle, and that’s because it’s a complicated issue rooted with complicated feelings. If you’ve just recently found out that the person you love is struggling, you may feel hurt, scared, or even frustrated.

Your partner probably feels the same way- only with multiplied intensity.

This is a guide for you. There’s so much research out there for the person struggling- I know that there isn’t a ton of support for the loved one. And what I do know is this: So many well-intentioned partners want to rescue and save their struggling partner. Consciously or unconsciously, they believe that love and support can be the needed cure.

Let me get this straight: love helps the process, but it doesn’t take away the process, nor does it eliminate it.

Let’s dig in.

Understanding Shame

Let’s get this sweeping but essential generalization out of the way: The secrecy and humiliation associated with self-harm are immense. While we sometimes think of self-harm as attention-seeking, I find that this is more of the exception than the norm.

Most people engage in self-harm for two reasons :

• To release severe, emotional tension (anxiety, depression, fear, anger)
• To activate the pleasure and pain phenomenon (Even though it ‘hurts,’ the hurt transcends into a sense of pleasure. There is a physical relief associated with self-harm, and that emotional “benefit” often outweighs the physical cost)

With that said, the shame exists because most people who engage in self-harm know that it’s problematic behavior. They know that it’s not the healthiest way to cope with their feelings, but they also may have tried stopping- but can’t.

The shame exists because they feel embarrassed and afraid of their choices. The thought of someone finding out- and subsequently rejecting them- can reinforce an awful belief that they are unlovable.

Shame penetrates in a way no other emotion can. Shame makes us act irrationally and illogically- it’s the guard we use to protect our inner selves; it’s the ugly stuff we don’t want anyone to see.

Understanding Compulsion

Do you have any vices? Or better yet, do you have any habits that would create a sense of distress if you needed to stop them? Maybe it’s your morning cup of coffee or an afternoon cigarette. Perhaps it’s your nightly Netflix bingeing or insatiable sweet tooth. Or, maybe it’s your cell phone use- checking Facebook and skimming through emails-in an incessant manner.

Whatever it is, most of experience compulsive energy at some point in our lives. In other words, we use things to create feelings, even when they create both negative and positive feelings (and consequences).

Self-harm works on a similar line of thinking. Again, most people in this behavior want to stop. With that said, it feels like they can’t.

To simplify, think of it this along with the terms of the Pavlovian phenomenon of classical conditioning. When Pavlov rang the bell, the dogs associated that chime with food. Even though the bell itself was somewhat neutral, the sound (stimulus) evoked the automatic thought (time to eat).

Those who self-harm experience a particular trigger/feeling (similar to the bell) and their brain automatically screams I need to cope! In a way, the act of self-harm shuts the bell off (otherwise, it keeps chiming and chiming).

Many people who engage in self-harm will tell you that it works like a reflex like they’re running on auto-pilot. Most of my clients describe it along the lines of something taking over- I don’t even feel like I have control at that point.

Understanding Empathy and Validation

Your partner is in pain and supporting a partner who self-harms requires empathy. In its simplest form, empathy means walking in someone else’s shoes. In this case, it’s walking in your partner’s shoes and doing your best to experience the world through his or her perspective.

If you can see where another person is coming from, you can learn to understand why and how the self-harm fits into the puzzle of life. You can open the space for compassion, which opens the door to validation.

Validation refers to understanding and highlighting the struggles, situations, or painful emotions another person experiences. Validation is saying something like I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you or It makes sense that you would be feeling scared.

In other words, validation refers to a communication tool that promotes closeness. When you’re supporting a partner who self-harms, validation embodies the statements that make our partners feel safe and supported- rather than isolated and shamed.

Unfortunately, most people struggle with validating the struggles with mental illness. If that’s you, it’s okay! Mental illness can be frustrating and confusing, and it can feel like an impossible journey. You may struggle to believe that your partner is doing everything he/she can to get better. Or, you may think that the struggle isn’t that bad in the first place.

Yes, supporting a partner who self-harms can feel exhaustive. But when you’re able to understand the struggle, you’re ready to dismantle some of the confusion.

If you want this relationship to work, you must engage in this process together- not separately. If you can’t be there for him or her without judgment, you’re going to likely resent your partner, and your partner is likely to resent you as well.

And again, if you want to truly make this dynamic work, you truly need to understand the plight.

Understanding the Recovery Process

Recovery is not linear. Anybody who tells you this (whether it’s a therapist, motivational speaker, or well-intentioned friend) is either misinformed or downright lying.

Recovery doesn’t have a set formula. It does not move on a straight path, and it doesn’t have an endpoint. Many people like to use the cliche it’s a marathon, not a race. I find this cliche limiting. To me, recovery isn’t a marathon. It’s a maze.

In this sense, the maze is complicated. There are many dead-ends. If you give up, you’ll likely stay at one of those dead-ends. With that said, you start to learn different patterns, different roads for healing.

Sure, you may hit a few dead-ends and obstacles along the way. You’ll ebb and flow with your progress. There will most likely be setbacks or relapses. However, as you stay persistent, you can grow and make progress. With time, you can learn to get out of the maze (though we all know that everyone’s process looks differently).

Remember this: if your partner is entering the maze, it’s unrealistic to expect him or her to know the roadmap right away. If he or she did, they would have already used it.

Supporting a Partner Who Self-Harms & How To Support Yourself

You are not your partner’s mental illness. You cannot fix him or her, and you cannot make worrying about their compulsion your compulsion. I’ve seen this issue happen time and time again.

Boundaries matter. You’re allowed to create and reinforce appropriate boundaries within the confines of your relationship. This isn’t malicious; boundaries emerge from a place of integrity, self-care, and love. Without them, you risk losing yourself and the health and safety within your relationship.

You’re also allowed to have your own problems. Many people supporting loved ones with mental illness minimize their own struggles. They find themselves consumed in what their loved one experiences- and they’ll assume that their own problems pale in comparison.

Supporting a partner who self-harms requires time, attention, and patience. This has to be a journey you’re willing to take- and it can also be a journey you have a say in.