Is Forgiveness Ever Really Necessary?
It’s a question people ask all the time when contemplating trauma resolution. Is forgiveness necessary?
When this question emerges, I think of Jane, the woman who came into my sessions hardly able to maintain eye contact. She was untrusting and spiteful, abused, and neglected and abandoned in all the ways a person can be traumatized. She felt like the world was against her, and so many experienced had validated that it was. She wore her trauma like it was a Halloween costume on a February day- it was apparent, it stood out, and she hated herself for the attention that it generated.
She’d been to therapy and been analyzed before. Is forgiveness necessary? She asked me point-blank, though it already seemed like her mind was made. People hurt her, and she hated them for it.
What is Forgiveness?
Jane attributed her complex childhood abuse to her deteriorating mental health and non-existent self-esteem. She felt enraged towards the people who harmed her. In her mind, she plotted revenge schemes. She replayed scenarios of what she wished she could have done differently.
She experienced panic attacks and hyper-vigilance. She couldn’t trust anyone- the guard was sealed shut, and she had little interest in chipping away at it.
When we first spoke about forgiveness, I had to clear up some misconceptions. Like many clients, she falsely associated forgiveness with being okay with what happened. As a therapist who specializes in complex trauma cases, I would never, ever advocate for this notion. Nobody needs to be okay with abuse. It was horrible, unjust, and wrong, and if you’re my client, I will tell you that as often as you need to hear it.
Forgiveness refers to the conscious process of releasing negative tension and animosity. It means you have chosen to move beyond the wrongdoing and harm- and consciously move towards a place of healing and peace.
People think of forgiveness as a tough choice. In reality, once they reach the state of forgiveness, they quickly realize that resentment was much heavier and tougher. Resentment drains our souls- it just does in insidious and sometimes devious ways.
Is Forgiveness The Ultimate Goal?
When Jane came into my office, she wanted her past to stop haunting her. At this point, it had moved beyond haunting. In many ways, she was a walking shadow of her past. It defined her, it was her, and it almost provided a safety blanket around her.
She felt like a victim- and she hated it.
I don’t think forgiveness needs to be the goal in trauma work. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this kind of sensitive material. In fact, to expect everyone to want or need forgiveness to heal is both condescending and ignorant. It’s not up to me to determine whether someone wants to forgive the person who’s hurt them- it’s up to that individual.
Shifting Away From Forgiving Others to Forgiving Self
Most of my clients struggle with internal self-loathing and self-hatred. Often, trauma reinforces, compounds, and then multiples these negative feelings. Rather than feel the appropriate rage or distrust or betrayal regarding what happened to them, they experience reactions associated with internal blame.
In other words, they still hold onto tremendous resentment towards themselves.
This, in it of itself, isn’t bad or abnormal. In fact, it’s a very common way people cope with horrible things that have happened to them. However, it’s not productive toward healing. When you can’t move into the space of internal love, it’s nearly impossible to love and accept others. It’s nearly impossible to feel positive and hopeful about the future.
Jane’s Healing
For this client, she needed to move towards forgiveness to start functioning and thriving again. She hated that she hated, and we had to work on redefining her new identity. Outside of the one that had been abused and hurt. Beyond the one that had been abandoned and traumatized.
It’s ridiculous to state that time heals all wounds; it’s better to believe that acceptance lessens the pain these wounds have on us.
