Do Opposites Attract? Or Are We Looking For Someone Just Like Us?

I believe Dr. Harville Hendrix answered the age-old question, do opposites attract, best in his famous imago theoretical framework: there is a connection between frustrations in adult relationships and early childhood experiences.

In other words, we recreate what we know best- even when it’s not the best for us. We also consciously and unconsciously seek the positive and negative traits exhibited by our primary caretakers.

Basically, unbeknownst to most of us, we date the modern versions of our mothers and fathers- and then we question why we continue to fall in seemingly complex patterns.

Do Opposites Attract? It’s Not a Simple Question

The bad boy dating the good girl. The introvert married to the extrovert. The artist paired with the scientist. We all enjoy an old-fashioned tale of starry-eyed lovers from opposing backgrounds. It’s seductive and alluring. The mystery behind how two very different humans can fall in love tantalizes even the most logical people.

Do opposites attract? As it turns out, we’re asking the wrong question.

Because what do we mean by the term, “opposite.” And what do we mean by attracting? To truly reach the core of this dizzying question, we need to delve a little deeper.

Core Values Vs. Expression of Core Values

As I write this, I reflect on the dynamic I share with my husband, Jeremy. On paper, we seem very alike. We share the same academic background, religion, career, and essentially the same hobbies. We maintain similar stances on the significance of family and relationships, and we both have cohesive goals for what we want to attain in our future.

We share the majority of core values.

With that said, when it comes to how my husband and I express our core values, we drive on entirely different train tracks.

For example, Jeremy is assertive and loud. When he walks into the room, people pay attention. He attunes to his environment, and he engages with integrity and pointedness. The man knows exactly how to speak his mind without fettered concern about how others will react.

I am more subdued and quiet. I listen and observe more than I speak, and when I do speak, it’s typically with the intention to connect with another person- rather than to drive a particular point home.

As a team, I believe we are unstoppable, but as individual entities, we operate on opposing ends of the spectrum. If we walked into a room of strangers and began interacting, we’d certainly seem different. However, we’re actually very similar in what we value. It’s our expressions that vary. As you can see, when we focus on the content (i.e. the job title or the religious affiliation or the personality trait), we lose meaning in what lies underneath: the shared core values

Why We Recreate Our Childhood

Once you familiarize yourself with the nuts and bolts of inner child work, you can understand that we all experience unmet needs in our adult lives. These needs vary by nature and severity, but common ones include:

• Validation
• Affection
• Attentiveness
• Individual growth
• Structure and discipline
• Recognition

Because these needs are so vital to our well-being, we desperately attempt to secure them in our adult lives. Unfortunately, in our desperate desires to meet those needs, we often engage in the same childish patterns that “worked” when we actually were children.

Even if and when our childhoods are horrific, this “horror show” becomes what we know. Therefore, an unconscious part of us largely believes such chaos and clamor represents our destiny. In some way, a part of us emotionally seeks closure- we reenact these patterns in our adult lives until we find the closest resemblance of that closure.

For example, let’s say both your parents struggled with severe alcoholism. You grew up promising yourself that you would never even take a sip of liquor. Yet, years later, you find yourself married to someone who drinks in a problematic fashion.

Although alcohol was the source of tremendous emotional pain, it’s possible you’re seeking closure from that very pain (i.e., subconsciously seeking a different outcome from the same, familiar problems). It’s also possible that the personality traits manifested in alcoholism attract you- after all, it’s what you know best.

Opposite Personalities Attract But Opposite Values Can Repel

As mentioned, values refer to the elements of our lives that we most cherish. Happy and successful relationships entail a blending of values. I believe those who share similar values tend to have better relationship outcomes than those that don’t.

This is not to say we must agree on every value at every time. For one, such expectations are impossible. For two, personality nuances define us as humans. We are allowed to have specific and unique needs contingent on our current situations, accessible resources, and emotional states.

Complementing Over Compromising

In the face of relationship tension, even the healthiest couples balk. Nobody likes to feel uncomfortable, and when we aren’t on the same page as our partners, our perceptions of security and wellness feel threatened.

Most conventional relationship advice touts the benefits of compromising- finding a mutual thread of sacrifice and being able to contort your own needs to find a middle ground with the person you love.

Compromise has its necessary place, especially when you need to make a fast and relatively painless decision (such as choosing a restaurant for dinner). Compromise moves us out of the frustrating purgatory of indecisiveness (and we all know that feeling of hunger when neither partner can decide what they want for dinner).

However, a dynamic solely built on compromise can cement a foundation of resentment. Nobody truly wants to water down their needs all the time. And when both people have to set aside their needs to find a “halfway” solution, it’s common for both parties to feel disappointed.

Katherine & Joe

Let’s use the following example: Katherine has thirty pounds to lose. At her most recent physical exam, her doctor warned her that she was pre-diabetic and that he wanted her to focus on improving her nutrition. As a result, Katherine decides to overhaul her lifestyle, change her diet, and start exercising four times a week. This medical update scared her, and she wants to focus on valuing her physical illness.

Her husband, Joe, on the other hand, works a very active job that keeps him on his feet for 10+ hours a day. He enjoys cooking when he has the time, and he also likes running on the weekends. He naturally requires more food throughout the day, and even though he doesn’t always make the best dietary choices, his weight has never been an issue.

Fast-forward two weeks, and let’s imagine some hypothetical tension that could arise:

• Joe wants to go on a dinner date on Friday with Katherine, but she wants to attend her spin class
• Joe wants to cook a new lasagna recipe, but Katherine doesn’t want to eat it
• Katherine wants Joe to come to the gym with her, but Joe feels physically exhausted from work
• Katherine wants to purge the kitchen of triggering snacks, but Joe wants his favorite treats around

Empathy + Prioritized Values = Complementing

Once the tension arises, if we want to create a proactive, effective space for healing and exploration, we must practice empathy. Empathy means understanding another person’s perspective and worldview on both mental and emotional levels.

The Component of Empathy

Katherine’s empathy for Joe might look like something along these lines:

• It must be hard for him to experience these changes I’m making. I can see how these differences impact his daily life.
• I understand how my spending time at the gym affects him because he values spending time with me.
• It must feel frustrating for Joe to want to cook me a nice dinner- when I don’t feel anxious or stressed about eating it.
• I know that he loves me just as I am, so he may not believe that all of this is even necessary.

Joe’s empathy for Katherine might look something along these lines:

• I get why Katherine is so scared after the doctor warned her- she must have felt guilty and ashamed.
• I can see how the pressure Katherine feels about changing her eating and exercise habits must be challenging.
• I imagine that it’s stressful for her to watch me eat all the foods I enjoy while she feels guilty and insecure if she consumes them.
• I know that Katherine wants to be successful- I can see how much these changes mean to her.

Empathy means placing yourself into the worldview of another person. It does not necessarily mean you have to like or even agree with that worldview. However, without empathy, when tension arises, most partners will topple over each other trying in a virtuous battle to be “right.”

The Component of Prioritized Values

In any relationship, it’s essential to identify your core values. What, for example, are your nonnegotiables? For some, it may be the desire to have children. For others, it may be a shared religion or living in a certain geographical location or exhibiting the same political views.

Let’s say, in this example, Katherine’s main values are her marriage and social relationships. However, since this emerging news from her doctor, she is now valuing her physical health. She’s now valuing it at the same proportions as her relationships with others. Joe, on the other hand, values his marriage and career. He enjoys a hard day of work and takes pride in what he does.

A healthy relationship makes room for the top prioritized values. Fortunately, both parties agree on valuing marriage. Because Katherine is now valuing her health, it’s crucial that Joe acknowledges this new attribute in her life.

This doesn’t mean he sets his own needs aside or sacrifices what he wants. It merely means that Joe empathizes with Katherine’s current emotional state with a creative approach to seek out ways to support this new value.

Creative approaches range from Joe committing to working out with Katherine at the gym once a week to learning a lower-calorie dinner recipe that they can both enjoy. Other creative approaches may include trying a new physical activity together (bonus points because that one also fosters their value of a strong marriage) or planning a small getaway they can both enjoy once Katherine reaches her goal weight. As we can see, Joe isn’t really giving up much of anything. In fact, with this complementing approach, one could argue that he’s also benefiting from these changes.

When Values Change & Relationships Destruct

Values can change over time, and even well-intentioned values can go awry. For example, let’s say Katherine starts becoming obsessed with her food intake and exercise regimen. Let’s also say she starts displaying early eating disorder symptoms. Suddenly, her “value” for health and wellness supersedes her marital and familial values.

Joe tries to be supportive and encouraging during this time, but he also feels frustrated and worried. He doesn’t know how to help her anymore- especially as she doesn’t recognize her behavior as problematic.

This may seem like an extreme example of values evolving into deeper sicknesses and issues, but it’s not uncommon. We see this when people who value work become workaholics when those who value family relationships neglect other responsibilities, when budget-minded souls become downright cheap or selfish.

At this point, when the values take a darker turn, the relationship can enter its own proverbial danger zones. If the values do not realign and balance, we move into a morbid myriad that can consist of deceit, fear, hostility, and resentment.

Do Opposites Attract- The Final Takeaway

In relationships, we reenact our childhood experiences with a combination of childish and age-appropriate intentions. Do opposites attract? They very well might, but the better question is: where do the similarities lie?